I first started this post on 17th July 2021 and I was unsure if I would ever publish it but here it is in all it's entirety.
I don't have a lot of close friends because I keep myself guarded at times. Maybe it stems from school days when those I thought were friends used me, bullied me or put me in a bin head first. It could be because of the things that happened during my marriage. Whatever the reason it does not excuse my behaviour at times.
Over the years I've made mistakes through being over-eager, not listening and letting my imagination run wild. This has led me to crossing a line, sometimes forgivable, sometimes unforgivable and even recently I lost a friendship because of it. I'll hold my hands up and admit I'm wrong, but my downfall is the need to make up for my sins and redeem myself even when I know I won't be forgiven and shouldn't push the issue. Sometimes it will manifest in simple acts like being supportive even when it's not really needed to self deprecation/loathing and effectively forcing the person to push me away/block me or just cease contact. I know it's wrong but I can't help myself.
This is my ugly side, I'm not proud of it and I sure as hell don't like it. Maybe I'll stop ruining some of the goods things that come my way but then maybe I'm destined to continue on the path of ruination and loathing.
Throughout all this I reflect on what I've done and try not to make the same mistakes. Sometimes moving forward isn't easy but I know it has to be done. I have to think that I will improve and find someone that can deal with my quirks, mannerisms, stupidity, stubbornness and just plain dogged determination to try and do the right thing. Most of all I have to learn to love myself before I can let someone love me.
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