As Yet Untitled

I found the prompt "Extreme Angle" for Sinful Sunday a creative challenge that actually got me starting to enjoy my photography again. After a near two year lull where I hardly thought about the picture being taken I had a focus. I enjoyed thinking of the shot and composition and it was just another step on the road to regaining my confidence and finding out who I am.

I took many different shots in different poses. Some were good and some weren't, choosing one I truly liked was hard but hopefully this captures the essence of the prompt. Sadly a good caption eludes me.

I'm Only Human (And At Times I'm Damn Ugly)

I first started this post on 17th July 2021 and I was unsure if I would ever publish it but here it is in all it's entirety.

I don't have a lot of close friends because I keep myself guarded at times. Maybe it stems from school days when those I thought were friends used me, bullied me or put me in a bin head first. It could be because of the things that happened during my marriage. Whatever the reason it does not excuse my behaviour at times.

Over the years I've made mistakes through being over-eager, not listening and letting my imagination run wild. This has led me to crossing a line, sometimes forgivable, sometimes unforgivable and even recently I lost a friendship because of it. I'll hold my hands up and admit I'm wrong, but my downfall is the need to make up for my sins and redeem myself even when I know I won't be forgiven and shouldn't push the issue. Sometimes it will manifest in simple acts like being supportive even when it's not really needed to self deprecation/loathing and effectively forcing the person to push me away/block me or just cease contact. I know it's wrong but I can't help myself.

This is my ugly side, I'm not proud of it and I sure as hell don't like it. Maybe I'll stop ruining some of the goods things that come my way but then maybe I'm destined to continue on the path of ruination and loathing.

Throughout all this I reflect on what I've done and try not to make the same mistakes. Sometimes moving forward isn't easy but I know it has to be done. I have to think that I will improve and find someone that can deal with my quirks, mannerisms, stupidity, stubbornness and just plain dogged determination to try and do the right thing. Most of all I have to learn to love myself before I can let someone love me.

I Want (To Break Free)

 "I Want to Break Free" - Queen 1984

I took inspiration not only from the video but the words as well. I know I have to break free of what's holding me back and to do that I have to start believing in myself. To this end I will start to say "I can do it" more and try things instead of holding myself back. My aim is to gain the confidence I used to have.

Little Steps and Experimentation

So I've been technically separated for 7 years and actually separated from my ex for 5 years. Divorce has never been talked about but it will happen, ties that bound us together have changed and she's reverted to her maiden name.

In all of those 7 years I've tried to do the right thing and always put family first. Because of this I've watched my son finish college, get a job he's happy in and move his girlfriend in. I've watched my daughter finish school, college and embark on her first year at university during a pandemic. I even became the main support bubble for my ex, helping with shopping (I'm the one with a car and she hates driving), helping with some diy and large flatpack units, driving her to hospital appointments for frozen shoulder and even some gardening.

During the last 18 months I've worked from home, spent 4 months on furlough (reduced wage funded by government but not able to work), spent a further 4 months working from home part-time and still working from home to this day.

The one thing I rarely did was make time for myself, partly because I never have an empty house and partly I didn't realise how much I needed it. If I look back 10 - 12 years I was shy but confident with my body. I've been a swinger, went to a club regularly as part of a couple, regularly in chat rooms on a swingers site, had a 3-some on camera to an audience of roughly 80 people, the list goes on but I always felt comfortable with my body.

A few years back I tried to get back into swinging which is not easy as a single male but my confidence was gone so I gave up. It was like I'd reverted to the unconfident person I was in my early 20's. I still struggle today with my confidence but following conversations with various people I've decided to try and liberate myself by taking little steps to rebuild my confidence and also experiment to see what kinks I may be inclined to give a chance.

The first step was to get outside my comfort zone which I did and the result was gags 

My second step was to get outside my comfort zone and show my body which the result is below

I'll continue to push myself, step out of my comfort zone, participate more and hopefully gain some of that lost confidence

While I remember I consciously did something for myself 2 years ago by getting a PA (Prince Albert) piercing and over the past few months embarked on the process of going from a 10g to a 2g bar/ring/horseshoe. I trying to think of ways to incorporate them into my pics the right way so they aren't just another "dick pic" 😀

Gags - Never Tried One Until Now

So I've never really experimented with gags as much I'd like. Not sure why but I suspect it's something that never really came up with my partner at the time or the small number of play partners.

Yes there are lots of images out there of the gagged person drooling but that's just a natural thing when you mouth produces excess saliva to stop it drying out. But it's not that part that fuels my imagination, it's the eyes and the element of control that gets me.

I find gags intriguing and when I have a partner I'd like to experiment but not just with the standard gags but also improvised ones. Anything from a simple silk sash to a pair of panties would be ideal. My preference would be for panties that have been wet from either squirting or wetting from watersports, yes I'm that kinky.

Sometimes though you need to try something for yourself to understand the thrill fully so that's exactly what I did. I'd had this gag sat around for a while now not being used just waiting for the right time. So I dug it out and stepped outside my comfort zone not sure what to expect.

Adrenaline pumping I strapped the gag around my head as I placed the ball in my mouth. Initial panic was more a "hope I don't get interrupted" than anything else. As I adjusted to the sensation I realised that I was enjoying a slight thrill at something new. I also realised that I'd do it again and would definitely try it with a partner if I find one again. I ended up wearing it for 15 minutes which I'm proud of for a first attempt.

Overall it felt good to step outside my comfort zone and experiment with something new. I will continue to do this from now on to better myself and get out of the hole I've put myself in.

A big thank you to those I've chatted with this week on twitter who've been understanding and encouraging.