Love Is Complicated

Can't you just take me and love me the way that I am?

Some things don't matter

It's all just part of a plan

Don't turn away from what's real

Don't turn away from the love you feel

We keep falling, in and out of love

Femme Fatale - Falling In and Out of Love - 1988

At the start of this year everything changed for the better. I discovered that the very first line of the lyrics above can be true and it's this discovery that fills me with hope.

It's been a bumpy start to my return to love, sex and romance and I'm sure it will continue to be but that's what life is about. From two first kisses within a few days of each other I found my confidence increasing. The first was from a budding relationship that started late October and only our third date. It sealed a friendship which I will maintain but it also set in action a lot of soul searching from both sides which has made us choose a casual non-committed relationship until such time as we find ourselves dating other people. The only real change is that I will be looking again where I hadn't been as we hadn't got past the friend stage, but now there's no pressure on either party and no guilty feelings for chatting to other people.

The reasoning behind this choice is simple, despite liking each other a lot, things being really good when were together and easily falling into a committed relationship we both need slightly different things. She has only ever been in one relationship and a couple of brief encounters before spending time with me. By her own admission she wants to be selfish and experience a bit more before settling for one person again, and I completely understand this. She doesn't want to hurt me or for me to wait around while she tries dating and freely admits that she could be making a mistake by letting me go. In return I have promised to use the confidence I've gained to continue dating to try and find someone who wants the kind of relationship I'm looking for. The majority of this was discussed before we went out for the evening, where we walked around holding hands, cuddled and kissed.

The second kiss was from a friend I'd been chatting with for a few years. It was long overdue and triggered feelings we'd put off for far too long. Unfortunately like everything else the timing that fate had provided was out and had other ideas.

So yes I've found 2 people I could love with all my heart if fate hadn't intervened and had other ideas. Yes they'll feature in my life as long they want as friendships are always the starting point. Going forward I know that I can be loved for who I am without having to change to fit into an ideal. Where to start to find that person is harder but I will not give up but I will be patient.